Two's a Crowd.

5 or 6.

That was my response to inquiries about how many children I'd like to have. Before I had children. Even after I had Teagan, I was fairly confident that I'd like a large family. Enter Mason and I'm not so sure anymore.

I keep trying to remind myself that it won't always be this demanding, that I won't always have an infant and a toddler but it's hard to picture when I am up to my eyeballs in an infant and a toddler.

Granted they are adorable, relatively well-behaved children. They just suck every ounce of love and attention and patience and time I have to give and leave me a hollow shell of my former self. It just seems as though one of them always needs me - day or night. When Mason is awake, he demands that I look at him, hold him or play with him every second. And when he is asleep, poor, neglected Teagan pleads with me to play with her and I feel like the worst mother in the world if I don't oblige. I find myself saying "in a minute", "when I finish feeding Mason" or "just wait" more times in a day than I can count and I hate myself for it, but can't seem to find a way around it.

I would love to be able to juggle them both really well at the same time so that I can feel okay about sending Teagan of to play by herself while Mason naps (for half an hour at a time, I might add.) But as it turns out, a three year age gap makes a big difference in young children. Teagan loves to "play" with Mason, but that means I end up rescuing him from a too-enthusiastic hug or snatching away too-small toys that she wants to share with him. Her intentions are great, her execution needs a little work.

I didn't think I was selfish with my time, but since having Mason, I'm very possessive of any "me" time I can get, no matter how short. The opportunities haven't presented themselves often - usually just practicing for musical numbers or Relief Society meetings - not really partying. Sleep isn't even much of an escape these days, as more often than not I get one to sleep and the other wakes up. On more than one occasion, Brandon has had to come and find me in Teagan's room when Mason cries for too long. Initially I got up to put him back to sleep and as soon as that's done, Teagan wakes up, I fall asleep there and Brandon thinks that I'm in Mason's room helping him but I'm passed out on Teagan's twin bed. <Sigh> Here at my parent's house, my brother AND sister vacated their rooms and are relegated to the couches in order to make room for us. But as it stands, Teagan begins to cry in the middle of the night and after putting her back in her bed twice, I give up and let her in with me. She lays as close to me as possible, sometimes on top and Mason wakes up wanting in on the action as well and so we all snuggle together - thank goodness Nicola sleeps in a Queen bed!

 Though I'm still left with only inches when the morning comes.

When one is up, they wake the other and it's on, with me having only slept a couple of hours. They don't seem ruffled. I try to party with my siblings who stay up until 3:00 without batting an eye, but I have to accept the fact that I can't be that person anymore if I'm going to be a good parent, or a parent at all the next day.

I know it's worth it and I know this is the most important way I can be spending my time, but I haven't even had the time to record memories of my babies. I'm too exhausted to write at the end of the day and so my journal of this most important time in my life is sadly lacking and it is frustrating me that I can't keep up with anything at all - even that which is related to my little darlings.

Maybe no one else has a hard time adjusting to two children? Is it just me? Or no one talks about it and I'm making a foray into unknown territory by admitting that I'm struggling. So - you're welcome. This post may make me sound selfish, but I needed to write down how I feel in some of the hard times so that I can look back and either laugh when I have more children or confirm the fact that I was smart to stop at two.